Words that even myself can’t understand

15th February 2017 ,

I am jealous, I am jealous of everyone and everything around me.

Look, here is the deal: I am jealous of all the people that I know, and they do know what they want in life. And know how to live life. I don’t know how to live life and how to be successful. I  do not know how  to live my life. It is quite confusing and scary at the same time. In about 84 days I will have finished high school, but I do not have a plan for after high school is finished. I do not know where to start and if I have any special talents… I do not know what to expect or what to ask for.

Is it normal to feel so lost in life at such a young age? When I look around me, all I can see are stable lives. Girls that are younger than me are pregnant, have a husband and an apartment with a dog. That is something I will never be able to have, although that is what I feel. All I can do is look at the past and feel anxious, and if I look into the future I feel lost and miserable.

It is sad to feel like this. After all I went through, from being born in a third world country  to living in one of the countries with the best education in the world. Getting here was difficult and I did my very best to end up where I am now,  but now.. I literally became everything what I did not want to be. Where my inspiration and imagination went is still unknown for me.  That makes me feel like such a mistake, I guess I am mistake of life, even though I want to grow and to be productive I have something that just doesn’t let me. I may be trapped in time or I may suffer off an endless laziness. All that I know is that I have no talents and no purpose here in this planet, at least not for now.

As can be seen, I still don’t know why I am alive and how to live it. Believe me, this is not a suicide letter nor a depression letter. This is just a bunch of uncoherent words that describe how I feel and a self-reflection of myself. In either case I actually feel that I am the only one in this world who feels like this; so lost and hopeless.  I often ask myself,  if I will end up living until my 30th at my mother’s place. Or if I will die somewhere next week. Because the way I feel is not normal, and I know that. The way I feel is strange, unknown and empty.

Why I am feeling like his?, why do I not have any talents?, why  I can’t find my purpose in this planet? Why I can’t live my life like everyone out there does? Why this lock of my head does not disappear so that I can start being productive? Why do I have so many questions? I do not understand my strange self. And no, I am not facing a depression.  

To be continued…