Afbeelding

I don’t like introducing myself

18th February 2017,

I am surrounded by all of this people, as well as, by all their different energies around them.

I am one of those quiet ones, you know, the ones that just look from a corner… It is hard  to believe I exist, but when someone introduces to me I just come back to this planet and realise my existence is substantial.

The way you introduce yourself, to this world, is a crucial thing. You learn to know someone by just extending your hand and saying your name. That same instant you catch the energy of the other and start , unconsciously, exploring the vibe you are getting into your organism. As soon as they let go your hand, you have already judged them in the back of your heart.  Just by the way they shook your hand, and how the glaze of their eyes penetrated  yours. This process Is such an insignificant thing in our everyday life.

After that happens, the introducing thing, you enter the second phase. For me that is the most difficult one. That is introducing your voice. It is something that makes me feel extremely anxious. Because,  from that moment on you will be judge by every word you say. Every word.

However, you’ve been taught, that as a person you must represent the best version  of yourself. Even thought if it is not how you truly feel, or are. BUT when it happens to me, I cannot stop thinking in how to do it. Just the idea that I  will be judged by the way my hand feels like, and the pressure I put in to shaking hands. Is terrifying.

I think that, that may be one of the reasons I do not like introducing myself in an explicit way. Because, then I cannot erase my words nor  have control of the situation. Therefore when I introduce myself I am extremely conscious of all the words I choose to say, the way my voice feels like, how soft my hands are, if I need to smile or to look serious, to give a hug or not? And if I just can leave without saying anything.

Why do I put so much pressure on myself? I mean introducing myself is not just a “thing” that happens, but it is a meaningful, fragile happening. It can go either excellent or so bad that you will  need to run away  and never look back. But, at the end of the trip  we all live in this planet where everybody has a name, but nobody knows themselves properly, so what is the worry?

Advertenties
Afbeelding

Words that even myself can’t understand

15th February 2017 ,

I am jealous, I am jealous of everyone and everything around me.

Look, here is the deal: I am jealous of all the people that I know, and they do know what they want in life. And know how to live life. I don’t know how to live life and how to be successful. I  do not know how  to live my life. It is quite confusing and scary at the same time. In about 84 days I will have finished high school, but I do not have a plan for after high school is finished. I do not know where to start and if I have any special talents… I do not know what to expect or what to ask for.

Is it normal to feel so lost in life at such a young age? When I look around me, all I can see are stable lives. Girls that are younger than me are pregnant, have a husband and an apartment with a dog. That is something I will never be able to have, although that is what I feel. All I can do is look at the past and feel anxious, and if I look into the future I feel lost and miserable.

It is sad to feel like this. After all I went through, from being born in a third world country  to living in one of the countries with the best education in the world. Getting here was difficult and I did my very best to end up where I am now,  but now.. I literally became everything what I did not want to be. Where my inspiration and imagination went is still unknown for me.  That makes me feel like such a mistake, I guess I am mistake of life, even though I want to grow and to be productive I have something that just doesn’t let me. I may be trapped in time or I may suffer off an endless laziness. All that I know is that I have no talents and no purpose here in this planet, at least not for now.

As can be seen, I still don’t know why I am alive and how to live it. Believe me, this is not a suicide letter nor a depression letter. This is just a bunch of uncoherent words that describe how I feel and a self-reflection of myself. In either case I actually feel that I am the only one in this world who feels like this; so lost and hopeless.  I often ask myself,  if I will end up living until my 30th at my mother’s place. Or if I will die somewhere next week. Because the way I feel is not normal, and I know that. The way I feel is strange, unknown and empty.

Why I am feeling like his?, why do I not have any talents?, why  I can’t find my purpose in this planet? Why I can’t live my life like everyone out there does? Why this lock of my head does not disappear so that I can start being productive? Why do I have so many questions? I do not understand my strange self. And no, I am not facing a depression.  

To be continued…